I have ‘Tears Of The Sun’

It’s not Mr Bruce Willis ‘s best known movie. Forget ‘Die Hard’ – I think its one of the best movies he ever made. Sure as f~~k makes up for ‘Hudson Hawk’ as far as my conscience is concerned! ‘Tears Of The Sun‘ – SEARCH IT ONLINE (or click on the link for Wilkpedia). Watch it yourself & draw your own conclusions. I think it’s one of the most gritty, tell it how it really is, movies ever made. This movie never tried to glamourise death. Death is brutal & this movie portrays this fact. I brought this movie 2 years ago. I use to cry at the ‘serious’ ‘real life’ scenes. I’m so scared that as a human being, scenes from this movie just don’t bring me to tears like it used to when I first brought it.

I’m a dreamer… Life is not perfect. Has life made me so numb to all that my ‘Aid Renegade’ alter ego aspires to help? I deliberately havn’t played this DVD in about 4 months. I was scared That I’ve become ‘numb’ to the mesage of the movie. Definition of numb – to watch something that use to bring me to tears but just don’t feel the need to cry anymore.

I FEEL GUILTY THAT THE EMOTION OF THIS MOVIE DOES’NT LEAVE ME CRYING ANY MORE.

Has the reality of a movie, who’s message, inspired me to aid work , become so numb to me? Hell ! I dream of being in a position where I can help! Not because they need me (That would be self indulgent fantasy / ego). I feel drawn to wherev people are more in need than me.

I’ve tried my hardest to be responsible for the debts I’ve incurred. Right now I see my own honour melt away. My own ability to do the right thing relies on a market that just does’nt exist any more! This time next year I will be 42 years of age & I thought I’d finally be out of debt & could start to rebuild m life financially. I thought not taking the easy road of declairing bancrupcy was the honourable thing to do. Then again ,Thanks (W) Bankers, ( Seriously! Exchange the ‘B’ for a ‘W’ & you can describe banbkers honestly!) Just when I thought my financial battle of concience was almost over – Work I thoughtI had still dissapears with less than a weeks notice. F~~K it! I’m self employed!

Last month I just covered my rent. Now the ‘loans’ I was keeping up on for 5 bloody years out of my life are seemingly all for nothing. I feel broken as a human being. I thought life had already humbled me enough through my ’1st world poverty. My gurt feeling? My chances of doing the honourable thing of covering my debt are blown. My gut feeling tells me I hav’nt met the UK version of totally rock bottom yet. I feel my landlord will suffer next. My own rules say pay for the roof over your own head first. I’m so scared I hav’nt met the true meaning of rock bottom yet.

I think I will become a fan of the internet cafe once again. As a ships crew member the cyber cafe was an integral part of my communicaton with the rest of the world. Rest assured! The ‘Aid Renegade’ domain hosting is covered for the next 10 months.

Do I need to become a traveller in my own country to survive? All I have s my escort estate to live in. I have work for few days more. The work I had for the time after has disolved. Is it my time to take the money & adapt to a UK travellers life? I feel I’ve tried to play the honourable game but thanks to (B) Wankers (Change that ‘B’ for a ‘W’ !) that don’t give a shit I feel I’m out of options & mut plan to save my self a different way to savwe my concious.

I love my Discovey / National Geographic channels & All OTHERS IN THAT GROUP! I’m so scared of missing them. To be truthful, maybe I’ve relied on TV to much for inspiration. Maybe it’s time for me to accept who I am.

Through my cruise ship career as a slot teck / mgr I got to experience life. In hindsight I did’nt really appreciate the chance I had because I was young , single & looking for love – YEP ! I’m an old fashioned romantic t heart but thanks to Sir David Attenborough I took my chances on ships & I don’t regret it. On my first ship I learned how to SCUBA. I got qualified t0 Rescue Diver (PADI- & proud of it just to piss off the excessive rules of learning to dive in the UK)

I’ve babbled on enough. Where do I go from here? Well thats for me to figure out. Hey! just when I thought I was out of options I still have some. Scarey decisions are ahead in my life!

Stay tuned to www.aid-renegade.com for updates! I’m so scared shitless that I don’t know where I’ll be in a month but hey! My blogs hostimng is paid for for another 10 months so I have communication with the rest of the world.

Lifes an Adventure. Maybe, for all my world travels, my greatest adventure is destined to be in my own country! Even bigger question is ‘do I have the balls to follow through?’

I’m only human. I don’t have that answer just yet! (DO YOU?)

PS – Just can’t be bothered to test this post for spelling mistakes so you get it RAW & as is!

Tags: aid renegade, charity, charity fundraising, tears of the sun