My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family. She’s obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank.
There’s a new sex position in the Karma Sutra called “The Plumber”. Both of you stay in all day, and no fucker cums.
There’s a new craze in Camborne pubs. Girls are putting vodka jelly up their snatches and having blokes suck it out with straws. Police and health authorities are now worried about the effects of Minge drinking.
SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:! ! ! It has been announced that next year’s shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax. A spokesman for Tampax said “To sponsor a Twat going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about.”
Just bought a cool game for the PS3, it’s about a black guy who drives round shagging whores, uses violence involving metal clubs, crashes his car & evades the police- it’s called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09.
Best Headache Joke Ever – A husband emerged from the bathroom naked & was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I’ve a headache!” “Perfect,” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it’s up to you.
Two Asian brothers have been killed when they fell through a frozen pond in Birmingham. ITV are to make a documentary on the third brother who survived the ordeal. Dan Singh on ice will be screened in the spring…
Just heard Jonathan Ross is leaving the BBC. Was wondering what you and your four mates are going to do with the piano?
The ginger woman at my work recently announced that she was pregnant by the black boyfriend, she was discussing baby names the other day, apparently ‘Terry the Chocolate Orange’ is not an appropriate name and enough to get me the sack!
5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs.
1 % liked warmth.
2 % liked sensation.
3 % liked eroticism.
94 % just liked the peace and quiet.
I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a man’s heart with fear dread & panic…. ! !”hi Honey I’m home”..
Did u see Paul McCartney the other night on X Factor playing the piano…? Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change !!
Susan Boyle has a photo shoot tomorrow for her new album. Simon Cowell wishes to improve her image by surrounding her with proper ugly bastards. The bus will pick you up at nine, try not to miss it there’s a tenner in it for you.
I bought a DVD the other day called ‘My Favourite 18 Holes’ by Tiger Woods. What a waste of money. It was all about golf. Apparently Tiger Woods and his wife were simply having a disagreement over a game of cards. And, as it turns out, a club does beat a spade.