Q: Whats the difference between outlaws and inlaws
A. outlaws are wanted!
What do you call 100 nuns in a shop?
A priest getting ready to hear confessions suddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said: “Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?” The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: “Look, its easy. I hear the sins and give them penance. No one will know it’s you in there” The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional.
The first parishioner entered the confessional and began “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery.” The janitor looked on the chart and found “Adultery – 20 Hail Marys”. He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief.
The second parishioner entered the confessional and began “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord’s name in vain.” The janitor looked down the list “Lord’s name in vain – 5 Hail Marys”, and assigned them. The janitor thought “Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!”
The third parishioner entered and began, “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex.” The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither “anal Sex” nor “Sex, anal”. He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar boy walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said “Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?” The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, “Well, two mars bars and a glass of milk.”
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That`s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show.”
“Sensible” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”
And what happened then?”
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
“I kicked her in the face.”
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?”
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You shag her again.”
I was a very happy person.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me .. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
Keep them comming!